Paalak Paneer

If you had half a brain you would realize I am currently trying my hand at Indian shit so this will be a learning process for everyone. About 95% of what I do here is my first attempt at it (I am just that awesome) but when it comes to "ethnic" food I have no fucking clue what I am doing. It is not my fault America is the best at everything. I made this paalak paneer and it was just okay. Yeah it was good, of course, but it was not the best ever like all my other shit. I think the problem is that I have no idea what it should taste like. I have a plan. I shall execute it. I will make Indian food my bitch. Don't eat it, yet.

Silver Moon Brewing - Hoptagon

I have never even heard of Silver Moon Brewing so when I saw the bottle in the store I was taken aback. I did some internet sleuthing and it turns out they are just a pub that happened to start a brewery in 2005. Their core beers are pretty basic and they have a small selection of seasonals but nothing truly unique. All I know is that this 9% imperial IPA is the bomb. It is one of the best imperial IPAs I have ever had at this ABV. I would like to see them distribute the shit out of their beer. Why have I not seen you in Portland before? We are only three hours away, dumbasses! If you can pull off a style this difficult and make it palatable to a person who can't take anything over 6.5% ABV (my woman), you can assuredly do more. Good luck Silver Moon. Don't make me eat my words. 4.75 out of 5. Drink it.

The Bruery - Mischief

I have heard about The Bruery many a time but since they are from crappy Southern California they often get overshadowed by our awesome beer here in Portland, with good reason. This was the first beer I have had from them and while it was pretty damn good I have to say they suck. Why? Because Upright Brewing in Portland does what they do but infinitely better. Take note, Bruery, you have some shit to learn. Never heard of Upright down in Orange County? You better fucking ask somebody. "Are you seriously talking about Upright again?" Fuck you. I will do what I want. Mischief is similar to Upright's Five or Seven but it is a shame because it pales in comparison to both. I almost wish I never even heard of Upright so I could enjoy the average American-Belgian beer like you common plebes. 4.25 out of 5. Drink it, if you can't get some Upright.

Apple Chutney

My woman got too many damn apples at the store this weekend and people are always telling me I need to get more "ethnic" so the first thing I thought of was apple chutney which is apparently a western invention. Figures. Anyway, I found this tiny Indian market with tons of insane crap for super cheap and the only thing I recognized in the produce section was cilantro. The owner of the place is super nice so I am going to exploit the shit out of him and steal all his ideas. Welcome to America, motherfucker. Let's begin:

Take out your food processor and toss in 1/2 a small yellow onion, a peeled and diced hunk of ginger (mine was about three times the size of my thumb), three cloves of garlic, 1/3c apple cider vinegar, 3tbl white sugar, 3tbl brown sugar, 1tsp mustard seeds, and 1/2tsp red pepper flakes. Blend it up and add it to 4 peeled, cored, and diced apples. There are many other spices that could come into play here (coriander, cumin, cardamom, turmeric, cinnamon, etc.) but I decided to keep it simple. I am glad I did.

Bring to a slight boil over medium heat, cover, and reduce the heat. Let it simmer for about 45 min but stir it every once in a while. I think I cut my apples a little large so at the very end I mashed it all up with this fancy tool here.

After I tasted it I decided to add 1/2c of water and it ended up being perfect, as usual. Eat it.

Shrimp Skewers

Well I have all this fucking hot sauce so I figured I would incorporate it into my dinner. I made some shrimp skewers and glazed them up with that shit. They were off the fucking hook so pay attention, loser. Let's begin:

I used my Jamaican jerk spice rub but I omitted the nutmeg and cinnamon and substituted ginger. Mix it up and coat your shrimp. Be sure to de-shell and de-vein them, jackass. A good instructional can be found here.

Pan fry, grill, whatever. Just don't over cook them. A minute per side should be more than sufficient. Watch the tails change color and wait until the meat is no longer translucent. A good instructional can be found here. How many fucking times do I have to tell you idiots this dumb shit? Damn. Once you remove them from the heat, glaze them with your hot sauce.

It might sound odd but I put this shit on Spanish saffron rice and topped it with cilantro and queso fresco. It's a mild white cheese, dumbass, not that melted Velveeta shit your mom eats straight out of the jar with a spoon. The flavors, or "flavor profile" for you douchebags, worked out better than I expected. You can also get colonial on its ass by omitting the rice and cilantro and subbing an English stilton for the queso fresco. Eat it.

Habanero Pineapple Vinegar Based Hot Sauce - Part II

We all remember Part I of this hot sauce, but today I perfected it. I reduced the vinegar, increased the habanero, added papaya, and now this hot sauce is truly top notch. Too bad you will still manage to fuck it up somehow. Let's begin:

Dice and seed seven habanero peppers. Blend them up in your food processor and scrape the sides. Add one undrained 20oz can of pineapple (for preservatives), 1 1/2c diced papaya, 1/2c vinegar, 2tsp salt and the juice from one large lime. Turn it to eleven.

And there you have it. Don't be deceived by the beautiful color, this shit is so fucking hot it will take the paint off a car. The recipe makes a crapload so put it in other containers and give it away because you will be unable to finish it before it turns. I am guessing it will last about two weeks. It should go without saying but since you are totally fucking stupid I will point out that the hot sauce needs to be refrigerated at all times. Eat it.

Grilled Rack of Lamb, Oregon Style

Throw on your fleece and horn rimmed glasses because today we are going straight Oregon. I got a rack from Umpqua Valley Lamb and a bottle of Willamette Valley pinot noir. Like hipsters and ironic mustaches, I think the two will compliment each other quite well. Let's begin:

In a medium bowl whisk 1/2c pinot noir, 1/4c olive oil, shallot, thyme, garlic, and salt & pepper. If you don't have a pinot noir, a nice zinfandel or shiraz will work just fine. "What about two buck chuck?" That garbage is not fit for drinking so why would you soak your lamb in it? Dumbass. Let it marinate for four hours.

Sear it over direct heat on a hot grill until lightly charred, move it to indirect heat, let it continue to cook for about ten more minutes, remove from heat, and let it sit for another ten minutes. While it would be hilarious to see you destroy the rack by cutting it improperly, I will tell you how to slice it. Place the rack meat side down on the cutting board so your bones are sticking straight up in the air. Slice down between each bone to produce the lollipops seen above. If your meat is not pink, you fucked up. Eat it.

Tankuki Izakaya: Be Fucked - StumptownMag Post

Live in Portland? Like bars? Like Asian crap? Check out my Tanuki Izakaya review at StumptownMag and thank me later.

Bacon Crusted Pound Cake French Toast with a Blueberry Compote

Just about everyone loves French Toast but it is just too sweet for me to eat in the morning. I mixed some things up and turned this traditional breakfast into an experimental dessert. Don't worry, there is still bacon. Let's begin:

Make six strips of bacon, let it cool, and dice it up as finely as possible. I always make an extra strip because I know I am going to pick at it. I am only human. Don't cook the shit out of it because it will hit the pan once more before we are done.

I only had 1/2c of blueberries left so I mixed them up with 1/3c water and 1/4c sugar, let it lightly simmer for about 20 min, and poured it into a pyrex to cool. You can do that ice water bath bullshit, but whatever.

Slice up some pound cake and let it briefly soak in a combination of 3 eggs, 1c milk, 1tbl sugar, and 1/4tsp salt. Fuck that cinnamon and nutmeg crap. Leave it in there too long and your shit will fall apart.

Coat the pound cake French toast with your bacon crumbs and fry it up in some butter. You want the temperature low enough so the bacon does not burn but high enough so the egg cooks. It is a fine line. I had a nice strip of bacon to garnish this dish but it didn't make it that long. Eat it.